Sorry + Venting

I haven't been around lately, because I've been going through yet another long phase of body image issues, mental/emotional and money problems.

I don't think it's getting any better, but it could be that I'm off my meds and just not doing anything. I have too much time on my hands, but not enough motivation or memory to try and do what I should or want to be doing.

So far, nothing I've wanted to do or really needed to do has been accomplished.

It's really difficult, I just wanted to finally be accepted by more than just one or two people... And want to stop the silent harassment, the staring, the fact that I can't even go into a public place without being laughed at by teenagers or avoided because I can't help the way I look. I'm trying so hard, but this depression (or bipolar disorder according to the knew Doc) is kicking me in the ass.

I just want to be beautiful to me and to many others too... I want to be able to look in the mirror and finally say that girl is beautiful inside and out. Instead of just on the inside. (But even that is taking potshots at, no one I've met seems to believe that I'm not a moody loner or loser or something.)

They can't get past the fat, and neither can I. But I can't starve myself because then I'll be doing even more harm.

I've dealt with it for a long time, trying not to cause drama by reacting badly, or reacting at all. Especially when I get shouted at while walking down the street at times or honked at by the same ignorant strangers who don't think that I am a person with feelings...

This is why I refuse to continue being what I am now, not just getting to a smaller dress size. I just hope that with all these changes to me, that I stop being me and being someone similar to these people I dislike the most...

- Cinderella

Yet Another "Long time no see"

I have been neglecting this blog for two years now it looks like. And I know the reasons why: 1) I forgot 2) I've been lazy, and 3) I still don't have any suitable lolita clothes.

But I can still post about other things, like yakking about my crafts - like these flower crowns I made/am making.

Eventually I will get off my ass and start coming up with things to post to this blog that are lolita fashion related - maybe short stories and drawings - until I can stop being dumb and sew my dresses that I bought the fabric for.

Also... um... maybe I should take down the older posts. They are so embarrassing to look at. lol

So... see you later. ♥

Long Time No See

I do apologize for not posting more often, but if you read my main 'blog' (Read: whining journal/corner of woe) @ LiveJournal, then you would understand that I constantly beat myself up about almost every single flaw I seem to have. I'm not perfect, and the 'inner self' of mine won't let me live this down.

But it's a phase I soon hope to grow out of. I shouldn't care, but I actually do. I'm sorry. I cannot hold back anymore, and watch as dust collects.

So from now on... In order to prevent the feeling of 'must beat myself up over every single failure' - I shall post more often with things I will do everyday. It shall be my challenge. If I fail this challenge, then I will delete my blog here and just go back to the way things where before.

I try to keep my drama/life/out-of-control emotions out of my hobbies such as Lolita, ABJDs, cosplay and such... So I'll leave it at that.

Also, maybe I should rename my blog, since I think that I am unfit to 'be' a Cinderella-type person. What do you think?
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My 7 Day (Lolita?) Challenge
Day 1: Reconize who you really are
Don't give into the 'bad conscience' you have. List all the things you are good at, and all the good things people had said to you. Chances are, they're probably true.

Day 2: You Are Creative
Make something. Make a wire-and-pearl crown, an alice bow or headband, anything.

Day 3: You are Kind
Say something nice/make valentines for the people you admire. Send the valentines/nice words directly to these people.

Day 4: You are Helpful
Do something that would help yourself or others, be it a task that needed to be done, an overdue chore, etc...

Day 5: You are Beautiful
Take the day off to pamper yourself, sort of like a 'princess day' - even if you already had a 'princess day' recently... do it again, and do it how you would like to. Put your hair up, dress up in some nice clothes, do it all for you, and just because you wish to do so. (Just remember that you are beautiful no matter if you're wearing rags or jeans or frills.)

Day 6: You are Adventurous/Brave
Go out and do something that you never would normally do, like taking a walk in the woods, or downtown, go sightseeing or to spend some time in a nice place you don't normally go to.

Day 7: You are Successful
Celebrate completing the whole 7 day challenge with one more task - overview what you did, and be proud of yourself that you did it. And put on a smile that, if you survived 7 days of this, you can survive doing so everyday!

Nevermind the cheesy tones... it only sounds cheesy if you have a negative-set mind like I do. lol I gotta stop doing that.

Let's just hope I can do this for once.

Blues, I'm feeling them.

Okay, I won't lie to you. I haven't been 'feeling' Lolita-ish at all for the past month, and most of this month as well. It's personal issues, most of which are things we all have heard of...

Body image issues, low self-esteem, lack of courage, and just general "omg I can't do this, so I won't" problems.

I knew I wouldn't be able to do this, so I tried anyway. I don't think this really counts as trying... I am so behind, there must have been a lot of things to talk about... And I owe October posts too, though I didn't do anything of the sort for Halloween. Because of money issues.

I cannot believe it. I am forced to quit before I begin. The only problem I have is gathering money... I really need a job, but I cannot afford to take time away from school, seeing as how this school I go to is very... Nevermind. I can catch up with all my work eventually. I just never seem to want to do it all, and get distracted, as more and more work is slapped onto our schedules. (Oh wait, I don't have a schedule...)

I think I should just changed the whole concept of this blog, or delete it. I'm sorry, I haven't tried hard enough. But I just cannot seem to get the money or time to do the things that I wanted to. So now... maybe I'll just post at least twice a week here. About anything Lolita related, and get my opinions out, and hopefully strike a nice conversation about opinions and the like. Just to make this blog a little less dusty.

I hope to get better, and a little less like a big coward soon.